How to cut an overloaded sentence

2 min read · Principle: Cut toward the point

Long sentences are not the problem — some of the best sentences in the language are long. Overloaded sentences are the problem: sentences carrying cargo they never agreed to carry, because the writer wasn't sure which part mattered and so kept all of it.

The sentence

In the modern world of today, technology, which is advancing at a rapid pace, has changed many different aspects of the way that we live our daily lives in both positive and also negative ways.

A composite — built from a pattern that appears on many students' pages, not quoted from any one of them.

The diagnosis

Read it for information and count what you actually learn: technology changes how we live, for better and worse. Twelve words of cargo in a thirty-six word hold. The rest is padding of three familiar kinds — the doubled time-stamp (modern world of today), the throat-clearing relative clause (which is advancing at a rapid pace, a fact so known it informs nobody), and the hedged catch-all (many different aspects of the way that), which gestures at everything to avoid naming anything. Overloading is rarely a length problem. It's a commitment problem.

Three moves

Move one — find the cargo. Underline only the words that would survive a telegram. Technology has changed how we live, for better and worse. That's the sentence's actual freight. Everything else must now argue for its place.

Move two — cut the doubles and the hedges. Modern world of today says one thing twice. Both positive and also negative says one thing one-and-a-half times. Many different aspects is a hedge — the writer keeping options open instead of choosing. Cut all three without mercy; nothing is lost because nothing was there.

Move three — spend the savings on one commitment. A cut sentence leaves room, and the room should be spent naming something particular. Which aspect of how we live? Choose one and the sentence stops being anyone's and becomes yours.

The after

Technology has changed how we live — how we work, how we argue, even how we remember — and not all of it for the better.

Still a long sentence, and now every clause is freight: three named particulars where many different aspects used to be, and a judgement sharp enough to disagree with.

The principle

Cut toward the point. The question for an overloaded sentence is never "how do I make this shorter" but "what is this protecting" — because padding almost always exists to defer a commitment the writer didn't want to make. Find the commitment, make it, and the padding loses its job.